I'm so tired of everything... I'm tired of keeping track of my morning temp, I'm tired of tracking and timing my activities, I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of having to make appointments, I'm tired of bills, I'm tired of my job.... I'm tired of being around babies and pregnant people and hearing birth announcements and pregnancy announcements... I'm tired of giving out benefits on abortions and maternity care... I'm tired of having so many different emotions in a given day.
I feel guilty about the feelings that I have about others... I don't want to feel this way but I also know that it's normal, thanks to my support group. I don't like the jealousy and the distancing, but I can't help it. I find myself saying I don't care... but I do, and I should... but there's a part of me that just wants to throw it's hands up in the air and say I GIVE UP! Not on trying to have a baby and getting medical help... but I give up in understanding my emotions... I don't?! I mean I get it.. and I'm going to have them... and it's really not ME!? It's hard to explain.. and I'm sure this post looks like just a babbling blog... but Hey it's mine and I'll do what I want! lol
The Holidays are in full swing... I need to get our Christmas Card picture taken.. I'm not sure where to do it... our usual in front of the house shot, or somewhere else? I just don't know... I'm also participating in a Christmas Card mailing to the girls on my dailystrength.org infertility support group. I'm looking forward to sending out a card w/ my story along w/ receiving the same from others. It will make me feel special to have so many cards from so many people and in different locations but all with the same goal!
I have an appointment scheduled to meet with a new Dr. at Washington University in St. Louis, MO. It's going to be on Dec 14th @ 11am. Here's hoping we won't need to see him more than the one visit, but if 2nd IUI doesn't work I won't have to miss a beat.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Failed!
Well the first IUI failed. I had just a twinge last nite and just knew... I cried it out in the shower. I still went and had my blood pregnancy test done just in case, since it hadn't started to be a full on flow yet. I went and had the labs drawn at 7:30 am... thinking I'd find out pretty quickly what the results were, but didn't find out until after I called at 10:30am and the nurse had to call the hospital and get the lab results and she called back around 11 to let me know it was negative and to come in for the biopsy.
Sherry came down with me so I wasn't alone. I wasn't quite sure what to expect... would it hurt and I would be too uncomfortable to drive or be totally fine? Turns out it wasn't that bad. I was a little concerned that they wouldn't be able to perform the biopsy because it felt like my flow had started, but they said it would be alright, actually it would be less painful if I had started somewhat. So I laid down and the nurse said that the "numbing procedures" take longer than the biopsy itself. She was right... she put a numbing gel on the cervix and then used a spray can of Solarcain to numb the cervix. That caused a burning tingling feeling. The nurse held out her hand to me and said you can use this for the pain, I'll let you know when she's going to start. Well that freaked me out and I said HOW BAD IS THIS GOING TO HURT??? The nurse said it all depends on your pain tolerance. Well when she did the actual biopsy it was like an OH! feeling and that was it... Maybe just 5 seconds of discomfort or less. They had me then lay with my feet up on the table for a few minutes. When the nurse came back in she told me to sit up slowly and take my time getting up. I thought, why?? LoL I was totally normal and fine. I don't know if I truely do have a high pain tolerance or what, but it didn't seem to be as big a deal as they made it out to be. So yay me! heh
The reason for the biopsy is to determine if there is any endometriosis internally, if the lining is conducive to egg implantation, and verifying that the lining and ovulation timing is accurate. I'll find out the results next week....
Sherry came down with me so I wasn't alone. I wasn't quite sure what to expect... would it hurt and I would be too uncomfortable to drive or be totally fine? Turns out it wasn't that bad. I was a little concerned that they wouldn't be able to perform the biopsy because it felt like my flow had started, but they said it would be alright, actually it would be less painful if I had started somewhat. So I laid down and the nurse said that the "numbing procedures" take longer than the biopsy itself. She was right... she put a numbing gel on the cervix and then used a spray can of Solarcain to numb the cervix. That caused a burning tingling feeling. The nurse held out her hand to me and said you can use this for the pain, I'll let you know when she's going to start. Well that freaked me out and I said HOW BAD IS THIS GOING TO HURT??? The nurse said it all depends on your pain tolerance. Well when she did the actual biopsy it was like an OH! feeling and that was it... Maybe just 5 seconds of discomfort or less. They had me then lay with my feet up on the table for a few minutes. When the nurse came back in she told me to sit up slowly and take my time getting up. I thought, why?? LoL I was totally normal and fine. I don't know if I truely do have a high pain tolerance or what, but it didn't seem to be as big a deal as they made it out to be. So yay me! heh
The reason for the biopsy is to determine if there is any endometriosis internally, if the lining is conducive to egg implantation, and verifying that the lining and ovulation timing is accurate. I'll find out the results next week....
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Let the countdown begin...
I just got a call from my nurse and we have the biopsy scheduled for 2pm tomorrow, pending blood pregnancy test results. She is going to fax in a "STAT" order for the bloodwork to be done and sent to her ASAP, and if we have a negative I'll be heading on down to Springfield again. So I'm thinking positively... I either am pregnant YAY! or I get some extra time off for the holidays and we find out if there's anything else we need help with to have a successful pregnancy. Win win is that positive way to look at it.... Now to just get through this crappy late shift day....
Monday, November 21, 2011
Hard to stay positive....
So the plan to stay positive... and taking the pregnancy tests every day... kind of back firing. Seeing so many negatives has turned me negative.
I called and talked to my nurse at my RE's office this morning near tears because I still got a negative test and wanted to find out why they hadn't done the biopsy of my endometrial lining that was part of our original "plan of action" when I came to the clinic. The nurse said Dr. McRae wasn't in today, but she would find out tomorrow, and if she wanted to do that the biopsy would be done on Wednesday. She also told me not to cry... that's why it's a bad idea to take all the pregnancy tests (even if they were free!) because technically it wouldn't be positive until 14 days after the IUI which would be this Friday. I didn't tell her that it's also the damn temperature graph that makes me mental... I can never truely understand and read it, so I keep going back and forth comparing previous months looking for the most minute difference that could indicate that this is THE month!
The wait is arduous. The patience is thin... My faith is strong... My support is there in many forms... the strongest being dailystrength.org and my friend Erica - only because they are or have experienced similar IF issues. It's hard for people that haven't experienced it to relate or know what to say. I know many mean well... some don't know how to ask about it, or just don't have the time because they are busy with their own lives, but still I know they care.
It's just another notch in my belt, and just as my friend/mentor/3rd mom Cathy Gooding once said to me....this experience I am going through is going to help me support someone in the future that will go through the same thing or something similar and I will be the one sitting there providing guidance and support that will get them through some tough times.
I called and talked to my nurse at my RE's office this morning near tears because I still got a negative test and wanted to find out why they hadn't done the biopsy of my endometrial lining that was part of our original "plan of action" when I came to the clinic. The nurse said Dr. McRae wasn't in today, but she would find out tomorrow, and if she wanted to do that the biopsy would be done on Wednesday. She also told me not to cry... that's why it's a bad idea to take all the pregnancy tests (even if they were free!) because technically it wouldn't be positive until 14 days after the IUI which would be this Friday. I didn't tell her that it's also the damn temperature graph that makes me mental... I can never truely understand and read it, so I keep going back and forth comparing previous months looking for the most minute difference that could indicate that this is THE month!
The wait is arduous. The patience is thin... My faith is strong... My support is there in many forms... the strongest being dailystrength.org and my friend Erica - only because they are or have experienced similar IF issues. It's hard for people that haven't experienced it to relate or know what to say. I know many mean well... some don't know how to ask about it, or just don't have the time because they are busy with their own lives, but still I know they care.
It's just another notch in my belt, and just as my friend/mentor/3rd mom Cathy Gooding once said to me....this experience I am going through is going to help me support someone in the future that will go through the same thing or something similar and I will be the one sitting there providing guidance and support that will get them through some tough times.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Now.. we wait
The IUI was completed around 11:20am on 11/11/11.... I was put in a waiting room around 5 after 11. I heard the ladies out in the hall saying, "it's like a count down to new years!!" and it dawned on me that it was almost 11:11 on 11/11/11. I sat there thinking... hmm if they come in within the next 5 minutes our baby could be "made" at 11:11 on 11/11/11... but alas they had a little toast and celebration out in the hall together. Hehe So I'll have to settle with you were made around 11:11 on 11/11/11. lol The procedure went well and the processing of the sperm brought the levels up much better. I think this could be quite promising! My sister had a friend or co-worker that had the IUI done, and due to the HCG injection you're given any pregnancy test you take will give a false positive, so she took a test every morning until she got a negative, then she knew if the next one was positive that she was pregnant. I am following in those footsteps thanks to my friend Johanna that passed along a large bag of ovulation test strips, which also happened to contain quite a few pregnancy test strips. Johanna, if you're reading this, I hope you don't mind! Considering they expire next year anyways ;o) hehe
Regardless of my results I'll be doing a lab test next week to check my progesterone levels to make sure I truely did ovulate (which I know I did because I could feel it) and then on 11/23 I have a written prescription for a blood pregnancy test. My nurse is so cute and funny... she wrote on the prescription to run the test state and fax results ASAP!! LoL That's right I want to know ASAP! It will make for one of the most Thankful Thanksgivings I've ever had!!
Bring on the wait!!! I am enjoying feeling more positive about the situation. Bryan encouraged me to stop in the mall for a mini makeover, which after it was done he called it my mommy makover. We're both looking at it as a positive already! And why not? It will be ok if it doesn't happen... we'll just try again, but I don't want to think that way yet.
Regardless of my results I'll be doing a lab test next week to check my progesterone levels to make sure I truely did ovulate (which I know I did because I could feel it) and then on 11/23 I have a written prescription for a blood pregnancy test. My nurse is so cute and funny... she wrote on the prescription to run the test state and fax results ASAP!! LoL That's right I want to know ASAP! It will make for one of the most Thankful Thanksgivings I've ever had!!
Bring on the wait!!! I am enjoying feeling more positive about the situation. Bryan encouraged me to stop in the mall for a mini makeover, which after it was done he called it my mommy makover. We're both looking at it as a positive already! And why not? It will be ok if it doesn't happen... we'll just try again, but I don't want to think that way yet.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Positive Appointment!
The appointment went well. I was very greatful that I didn't need Sherry there for comfort after hearing bad news, it was great news! While the ultrasound was underway all I kept hearing was measurements over and over... and I kept thinking oh no! How many are there this time? "We're moving to the right side now...." more measurements being called out... Ultrasound is done and the nurse gives me a smile and a thumbs up. The doctor said everything looks beautiful and perfect. I have 3 follicles and we are GO for the insemination tomorrow. The soonest we can get there is 10am tomorrow, so it'll take 1.5 hours to process Bryan's sample and then it will be injected into the uterus and a cervical cap will be put into place to prevent any wrong way turns and escapes of the little soldiers. I just have to remain positive and keep praying that it's only going to take one try!!!
Staying positive and optomistic!!!
Staying positive and optomistic!!!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Power of Positive Thinking....
So I have found support, strength, and comfort from an online support group for infertility. One of the girls recently posted something that really hit home. I really need to focus on the positive and not the negative.
"I studied psychology in college and I have been discovering new forms of healing for things like TTC and Infertility. It's mental, and it's apparently worked for people for things like curing diabetes by exercising and losing weight, giving up smoking, etc. Something I have recently started doing is to do things to prep for having a baby, before I even conceive! So many of us women are so used to telling ourselves we can't get pregnant or it's not happening, etc. We instead need to be optimistic. One way of tricking your brain into making your body do what you want is through slow, small steps that progressively aim towards the goal you wish to receive. For example: I want to get pregnant. I've started doing little things in preparation for having a baby. A few things you can do is to buy some baby clothes. Not a lot and not too often. Something small, inexpensive, here and there. Maybe buy a baby bottle one week and add it to a "baby" bin. (something devoted just to your future baby) A couple days later, you see the baby section at the store. Instead of quickly walking away because it's too painful, walk over proudly, look at the things you would get if you were already pregnant. Maybe buy a pair of socks or a onesie, or a pack of baby wipes. I recently bought a baby book and a baby frame. I plan to start writing letters and putting them into the baby book so my future child can read the struggles I went through to conceive him/her, and how much he/she means to me. The frame is aimed for my mother, so that when my husband and I found out we are pregnant, we'll take a picture of the first ultrasound and put it in the frame to give my Mom. The frame says "Grandma Loves Me" and we plan to use this to give her the happy news when we do get our BFP. These little things trigger a response in us. Our bodies are programmed to listen to our brains. As you're reading this, your brain is telling your eyes to move to each new word. It happens instantly. Think about this: we are so used to receiving negative HPT's and heartbreaking news that we almost lose hope. Our brain listens to what we say and in turn, over time, our body responds. I have said out loud and to myself for the last 2 years that "we aren't going to be able to have a baby. I'm giving up." and what do you know? My body has listened. I'm not saying this a cure in ANY way, but hell, it's worth a try. And best of all? It's positive, it's inexpensive, and it allows us to keep our dreams in our lives. I made a promise to myself, my husband and our future child that I will no longer say "We can't." Instead I will say "We will." And dammit, I will make myself believe it. I will do good things for my body. I will pray, practice yoga, take my vitamins, and slowly, build a collection of things for our unborn child. When that times comes for each of us, it will be that much more amazing. What's your positive new approach for TTC/IF? God Bless and BFP's to all you wonderful women out there! "
So after reading that I decided not to be upset or afraid to go to the baby section in stores and it's ok to look at maternity clothes. Since it's my Birthday and I'll do what I want to.. I checked out the maternity section at Kohls and found a tank top and kahki pants that after using my $10 kohls birthday money only cost $3.62. I was on a mission to find a maternity top that ADVERTISED that I am pregnant, but couldn't find one... Go figure Walmart/Kmart/Sears (the most likely to have an in your face I'm pregnant shirt) no longer have maternity sections. My last stop was Bergners... The maternity section was quite small, but I did find a single rack that said "Yellow Dot Sale $2.99." Well when I looked at the rack it had very nice tops, jeans, jean shorts, and dressier capri pants. I had to have the sales lady do a price check before I went wild! LoL I got 3 tops and a pair of shorts, black capris, and a pair of jeans for $19.33. I told my friend Erica about the sale and she went out there on her lunch and likely finished off the rack that I left behind. LoL
Now I just need to get through the next two weeks to get my positive results!!! =o)
"I studied psychology in college and I have been discovering new forms of healing for things like TTC and Infertility. It's mental, and it's apparently worked for people for things like curing diabetes by exercising and losing weight, giving up smoking, etc. Something I have recently started doing is to do things to prep for having a baby, before I even conceive! So many of us women are so used to telling ourselves we can't get pregnant or it's not happening, etc. We instead need to be optimistic. One way of tricking your brain into making your body do what you want is through slow, small steps that progressively aim towards the goal you wish to receive. For example: I want to get pregnant. I've started doing little things in preparation for having a baby. A few things you can do is to buy some baby clothes. Not a lot and not too often. Something small, inexpensive, here and there. Maybe buy a baby bottle one week and add it to a "baby" bin. (something devoted just to your future baby) A couple days later, you see the baby section at the store. Instead of quickly walking away because it's too painful, walk over proudly, look at the things you would get if you were already pregnant. Maybe buy a pair of socks or a onesie, or a pack of baby wipes. I recently bought a baby book and a baby frame. I plan to start writing letters and putting them into the baby book so my future child can read the struggles I went through to conceive him/her, and how much he/she means to me. The frame is aimed for my mother, so that when my husband and I found out we are pregnant, we'll take a picture of the first ultrasound and put it in the frame to give my Mom. The frame says "Grandma Loves Me" and we plan to use this to give her the happy news when we do get our BFP. These little things trigger a response in us. Our bodies are programmed to listen to our brains. As you're reading this, your brain is telling your eyes to move to each new word. It happens instantly. Think about this: we are so used to receiving negative HPT's and heartbreaking news that we almost lose hope. Our brain listens to what we say and in turn, over time, our body responds. I have said out loud and to myself for the last 2 years that "we aren't going to be able to have a baby. I'm giving up." and what do you know? My body has listened. I'm not saying this a cure in ANY way, but hell, it's worth a try. And best of all? It's positive, it's inexpensive, and it allows us to keep our dreams in our lives. I made a promise to myself, my husband and our future child that I will no longer say "We can't." Instead I will say "We will." And dammit, I will make myself believe it. I will do good things for my body. I will pray, practice yoga, take my vitamins, and slowly, build a collection of things for our unborn child. When that times comes for each of us, it will be that much more amazing. What's your positive new approach for TTC/IF? God Bless and BFP's to all you wonderful women out there! "
So after reading that I decided not to be upset or afraid to go to the baby section in stores and it's ok to look at maternity clothes. Since it's my Birthday and I'll do what I want to.. I checked out the maternity section at Kohls and found a tank top and kahki pants that after using my $10 kohls birthday money only cost $3.62. I was on a mission to find a maternity top that ADVERTISED that I am pregnant, but couldn't find one... Go figure Walmart/Kmart/Sears (the most likely to have an in your face I'm pregnant shirt) no longer have maternity sections. My last stop was Bergners... The maternity section was quite small, but I did find a single rack that said "Yellow Dot Sale $2.99." Well when I looked at the rack it had very nice tops, jeans, jean shorts, and dressier capri pants. I had to have the sales lady do a price check before I went wild! LoL I got 3 tops and a pair of shorts, black capris, and a pair of jeans for $19.33. I told my friend Erica about the sale and she went out there on her lunch and likely finished off the rack that I left behind. LoL
Now I just need to get through the next two weeks to get my positive results!!! =o)
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Scheduled
Well I called this morning and got my appointments scheduled. I will be going down with my mother-in-law on Thursday for an appt at 9:20am and the insemination is tentatively scheduled for 10:40am on Friday depending on how the follicles look, may need to be done Saturday. Time will tell. I just need to get through today... the dreaded late shift. Then it's off tomorrow for my Birthday and off Thursday for my appt. and I'm hoping Friday too!!! LoL
That's the update for now.... I'm super anxious!!!! (but hate to get too hopeful, so it's not too bad of a let down)
That's the update for now.... I'm super anxious!!!! (but hate to get too hopeful, so it's not too bad of a let down)
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Just a few more days...
I took my last dose of clomid yesterday. Now it's a waiting game until I get my surge, but that should be on Thursday. Which I'm totally ok with... that'll give me a nice loooong birthday weekend. See somehow God planned it all out very well for me, and I hope it goes according to my plans too... I am taking my first/last 8 hours for the year to be off for my birthday on Wed. (if I didn't use it on my birthday then the pto would be used just for Dr's visits.. and who wants that??) So I'll be using all my birthday coupons that I keep getting from stores like Starbucks, Qdoba, Kohls, Victoria Secret... and likely others to come! LoL And then... Thursday should be my trip down to Springfield for the ultrasound and HCG shot to force the release of the eggs, which I am praying I don't have too many again and I am worried because of the pain in my right side this morning... Friday would be insemination day. So we may not give birth to a child on 11/11/11, but we'll know that he/she was likely conceived on that day! LoL Wait until they grow up and we tell them that.... though I guess it won't be as gross because it's not involving mom and dad actually doing it. =o\
I am also hopeful that I will be chosen for atleast an interview for an office position that opened up at Gully. I sent my resume in on Monday and called on Thursday to verify they had received my resume and they had. Sherry taught both of the owner's children, so I'm hoping they will recognize the last name and it might put me in higher favor. Who knows? I just reaaaaaally want to get out of my stupid job w/ BCBS and never look back!
I am also hopeful that I will be chosen for atleast an interview for an office position that opened up at Gully. I sent my resume in on Monday and called on Thursday to verify they had received my resume and they had. Sherry taught both of the owner's children, so I'm hoping they will recognize the last name and it might put me in higher favor. Who knows? I just reaaaaaally want to get out of my stupid job w/ BCBS and never look back!
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